Post No. 55: Ralph, A short story

Ralph, a short story about a Vietnam Veteran

RALPH

The images kept coming - unwanted visitors that inhabited Ralph’s head.  He tossed and turned on a soft mattress that his wife insisted was just right for him.

Shifting side-to-side in a fruitless effort to summon sleep, these ghosts kept appearing, competing for dominance - taking turns to haunt him.  He tried to make sense of these vaporous visions - they defied all logic - alien to his senses, mixing up memories like the one during his Freshman year at college when he pissed in the fountain as students changed classes - his goodbye to academia and hello to the Marines - just like his father.  Others were not as benign - crawling through dense underbrush, the mist of the jungle morphing into dread and fear.

When he woke - a frequent nightly occurrence - his room, visible with muted lighting, seemed out-of-place.  There was no screaming in pain, no dead bodies, no limbs shattered by booby traps, no blood.  Instead the room was eerily silent, ordered, artfully arranged; an attractive woman next to him, sleeping soundly.

During the day Ralph imagined he was free of his nocturnal nuisances.  He was aware of the source of these tormentors - he remembered the intense, bloody, horrific battles, the fruitless effort to shut down the Ho Chi Minh trail, a route exploited by the North to infiltrate VietCong into the South.  He knew the relentless, feverish intensity of the enemy - willing to do whatever it takes to earn even the smallest victory - infiltrating small farming villages, putting civilians at risk.  These were not daytime thoughts, or things he would discuss with others; instead they lurked in the back of his mind - he hoped they would remain there.

Ralph yearned to return to normal life - in a safe comfortable place where he knew people cared for him, his wife loved him and the world around him proceeded as if nothing had happened.  He thought he was succeeding but there were telltale signs that escaped his notice - signs that he was oblivious to but others could see.

After a particularly restless night, he woke to find his wife standing over the bed staring at him with a concerned and resolute expression.  Sarah’s eyes fixed on him like a laser, her eyebrows lifted slightly and mouth firm - a determined look Ralph knew he could not easily evade,“Do you realize you were screaming last night in your sleep.  It was mixed-up gibberish none of it making any sense other than you were obviously having a nightmare of some sort.  You’ve had these off and on since you came home from ‘Nam’.  I thought they might go away over time but it has been two years since you’ve been home from the war.”   

“Well shoot me for having nightmares” Ralph snapped, “it’s not something I can control.  I’m not falling apart and doing drugs or not working like some vets I know.”

“I know you can’t control it but you have refused to get help.  A lot of other vets are going to the VA hospital for support.”

“I’m doing fine on my own and I’m not going to some government shrink.”

Sarah paced a few steps around the room. She sat down beside Ralph, her face exuding exasperation, her voice firm and determined as she blurted with a hint of panic,  “You’re not doing fine - you’re having nightmares and not getting enough sleep. You’re drinking too much and you’ve stop seeing friends.  You need professional help.”

“Ok, I’ll call the veterans hospital tomorrow and make an appointment.”

“Not tomorrow, today.  Call them before we go out tonight for dinner with Mark and his wife.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll call today” Ralph said with obvious annoyance, “but you should know I’m wary of government doctors. During the war they were too quick to take extreme measures - many soldiers left with one or more limbs amputated. When I first came home and visited wounded soldiers from my unit, I’ve seen how overworked and understaffed doctors and staff are at the VA hospital.”

Ralph was not happy that his wife was pushing him so hard.  He began to wonder if his marriage was a mistake.

He met Sarah soon after he returned from Vietnam and they married three months later.  It felt at the time as if a savior appeared to make him forget about all the terror and brutality of the war, but his savior’s luster had worn off.  He now felt she was dragging him down, not lifting him up.

That evening they went as planned to dinner with Ralph’s friend, Mark, and his wife, Kristen.  Mark was one of Ralph’s good friends in high school and they hadn’t seen one another since Ralph enlisted in the Marines.  He had never met Kristen and was looking forward to reminiscing about normal times in high school and meeting new people not involved with the war.  Mark did not go to Vietnam because he received a high lottery number about a month before he would lose his college deferment.

When Ralph walked into the restaurant he immediately saw Mark at a table for four sitting next to a young attractive woman.  Ralph gave his friend a big hug after Mark rose from his chair and briskly walked over to him.  He felt a surprising lightness meeting his old friend and it seemed as if no time had passed since they left high school.  

As soon as the introductions were over, Sarah asked “So how long have you two been married and where are you living now.”

“We’ve lived in Boulder, Colorado for the last two years right after we got married”,  Kristen interjected, “Mark was disappointed that Ralph couldn’t attend the wedding because he was still in the service.”

Ralph noticed how Kristen beamed as she spoke about their marriage, and, while he was happy for Mark, he was acutely aware of his dissatisfaction with his own marriage. 

“I wish I could have been there, it was only about a month or so before I was discharged.” Ralph replied,  “You should move back here to New York, there are many more job opportunities here than in Boulder.”

“That would be fun and it is appealing that we could be near one another again but I’ve a good job in Boulder and, of course, Kristen’s family is here.  It’s an unwritten rule that guys live in the same town as their wives’ families.”

“You’re right about that”, Sarah interjected.

“What was it like in Vietnam, Ralph”, Mark asked with genuine interest and curiosity,  “I admire your courage - you volunteered at one of the toughest times during the war.”

“Most of the time it was boring but there were times I was scared silly, especially when we made trips into the jungle searching for the enemy.  I remember one time when we were crouched in underbrush as about fifty VietCong walked within yards of us.  We were significantly outnumbered and if they saw us it would have been game over.  The VietCong are ruthless in their will to win - they often hide in small villages hoping to ambush us.  I’m glad to be out of there.” Ralph thought to himself that talking straightforwardly to his old friend about his wartime experience lightened the seriousness of it somehow.

Then Sarah chimed in, “Ralph has been having trouble sleeping and he often has nightmares.  He’s made an appointment with the VA hospital next week.”

This infuriated Ralph, but before he could say anything Kristen spoke, “I’m sorry to hear that but I know it is fairly common for many if not most vets.  We have a friend in Colorado who was having similar problems.  He found that the best thing about the VA hospital was not the treatment, but being able to talk to other soldiers about common experiences.”

“I appreciate that Kristen and I think you might be right.”, Ralph replied as he gave his wife a disapproving stare.

After enjoying a good meal, some reminiscing and catching up with one another’s lives, the two couples agreed to meet more often.  Mark insisted that Ralph and Sarah come to Boulder to visit.

As Ralph and Mark were walking together to get their cars while the ladies waited outside the restaurant, Mark confided to Ralph, “There are several places in Colorado that offer supervised psychedelic experiences.  A couple people I know have gone and said it was one of the most impactful experiences they’ve ever had.  Psychedelics like LSD have been illegal since 1970 but it is rarely enforced.  A lot of hippies use it recreationally and some have bad trips.  These retreats are well supervised and the people there are experienced.  It might be something you would find helpful.  I’m a chicken so it’s not for me, but if you want to take a trip out West you are welcome to use our home as a base if you want to explore what’s out here.”

“Thanks for the offer, Mark, but I’m not certain what I’m going to do.  Sarah and I are not getting along.  At her insistence I am going to the VA hospital next Wednesday, but it’s only to get her off my back.  She is so hyper and anxious about me and has become way to pushy.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, maybe you’re just going through a rough patch.  Don’t do anything too rash.”

“What me? I never do anything too rash”, Ralph laughed, “like quitting school, joining the Marines and finding myself in a nasty war.  But you are right, I’m going to give it some time before I do anything too impulsive.”

“Glad to hear it.  I’ll look around for information I can find about the psychedelic places and summarize what I find and mail it to you.”

“Thanks, Mark.  I’m not sure I will take you up on your offer but it doesn’t hurt to see what’s out there.”

After reconnecting with his old high school friend and his wife, Ralph felt more relaxed and optimistic he could enjoy a normal peace-time life, but he was convinced more than ever it may not be with Sarah.

The following Wednesday Ralph went to the VA hospital.  It unfortunately met his expectations.  It was crowded, understaffed and did not inspire Ralph with confidence. 

When he explained to a psychiatrist his difficulty sleeping and the nightmares, the shrink explained he was having a “gross stress reaction” to his wartime experiences.  He then began to ask him detailed questions about his parents and early life experiences.  Ralph had an instinctive dislike for psychiatrists; what he didn’t know, and obviously didn’t like, was that psychological “science” was based on versions of Freudian psychoanalysis.After forty minutes of what Ralph considered silly and irrelevant questions, he ended the session and said he would not be coming back. 

On his way out of the hospital, Ralph met an old Marine buddy he served with.  He told Ralph about an informal network of other vets who periodically meet to grouse about the war and gather to support to one another.  His Marine friend said there was a get-together planned for next Saturday.

When he returned home, Sarah immediately began peppering him with questions about how it went.  Ralph was annoyed at her anxious, overbearing demeanor and said it was no help at all, he had no confidence in the shrinks there and he was not going back.   

“You need help.  This has been going on for two years and it is not getting better.  If you had a wound from the war and it was not healing after two years you certainly would have it looked at by a doc.”

“It is not as simplistic as that and you are making way too much of this.  I tried the VA hospital, only because you insisted, and it is not something that helps. Maybe you should see a shrink and find out why you are so anxious.”

Sarah began to feel frustrated and angry, “Don’t be so mean, I’m only trying to help you.”

“It doesn’t seem like help to me, it feels more like nagging.  I’m doing a lot better than some other vets I know.  I have a good job and maybe I’m drinking more than I should, but it’s not keeping me from doing the things I need to do.”

Ralph was becoming more and more convinced that he needed to get away from Sarah’s overbearing concern for him, a concern that Ralph attributed to her own anxieties.

The next Saturday Ralph went to the gathering of other Vets that his Marine friend told him about.  He was surprised how open and candid they were about their experiences in Vietnam, and the sense of connection that came with shared difficulties.  Several of them were resentful at the senselessness of the war and supported the protestors.   Ralph understood their anger but was not as worked up about it as some, especially the ones who were drafted and never wanted to go, unlike Ralph who chose to enlist.

One of them was very vocal, “Finally the Government is seeing the light and have stopped sending more troops to a fruitless war.  I just heard there was some kind of peace agreement signed in Paris.”

Another chimed in, “I’m not surprised.  The Government’s ‘Vietnamization’ policy that started several months ago was a face-saving device to get out of the war.  Most of us here were in the thick of the fighting in ’67 and ’68 and we certainly did our part.  I’m glad this nasty war is ending.”

Ralph took all this in and was grateful he made connections with fellow survivors of the war, scars and all.  He felt a renewed sense of purpose and hopefulness.  He didn’t know his next step, but he knew he had to make some changes.

A week later Ralph received Mark’s promised summary of places in Colorado that had supervised psychedelic retreats.  He decided to call him and explore a next step.  As he dialed his number, with each long spin of the rotary dial, Ralph could feel his excitement building.  He was finally taking some initiative on his own. “Hi Mark, I got the information you sent me, I appreciate the time you took to research this - I’m thinking about taking you up on your offer.”

“That’s great Ralph.  What dates do you and Sarah have in mind?”

“Sarah won’t be coming, we’ve agreed to put some space between us.  We are still living together but in separate rooms.  I’m not sure what we will do, but for now we are going our separate ways and she is no longer acting like a mother hen.  I know our arrangement is difficult for her, but for me it feels like freedom.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Ralph, and I am here for you buddy, whatever you decide.  When do you want to come?”

“I could probably get there in about three weeks or so.  I need to get approval from work for a week off - I think that will be enough time to do what I want.  I called one of the places you researched and I liked their vibe, plus they have experience with other vets who they’ve helped.  I arranged for a stay for three days.”

“That’s great Ralph.  Where’s it located, Boulder, I hope?”

“No, it’s in Colorado Springs but I would like to come to your place first and spend a few days with you and Kristen before I go.  It’s only about two hours from Boulder.”

“Super.  That’s a plan.  Call me when you’ve firmed up the dates.  I’ll do what I can to take time off while you are here.”

“Thanks, Mark.  I really appreciate your friendship and support.”

A month later Ralph flew to Denver, rented a car and drove to Boulder to visit Mark.  They enjoyed some delicious meals and fun times on Pearl Street, a hub for Boulder’s restaurant scene.  Mark and Kristen were super guides taking him to Rocky Mountain National Park, an easy drive just West of Boulder.   It was his first time out West and he was awed by the beauty and massiveness of the mountains.

Ralph was happy for Mark and Kristen who seemed to genuinely like one another, something he thought he was missing with Sarah.  As Ralph sat in the car about to drive to Colorado Springs, Mark asked him to roll down his window.  He bent down and said, “Come back anytime, Ralph.  It would be even better if you and Sarah could both come, but whatever happens we’re here for you.”

“Thanks for everything Mark, I’ll call when I return to New York.”         

As Ralph drove into Colorado Springs he went directly to the address Mark had given him - a picturesque location near the base of the red rocks of the Garden of the Gods.  He was unsure if he had found the correct address until he spotted a sign on an inconspicuous, one-story building with hand-painted, brightly colored words “Red Rocks Renewal Center”.

As he entered the front door into a small front office he was met by an older, conservatively dressed couple.  After he introduced himself he was warmly welcomed by the couple who assured him that he would be safe and well-looked after during the whole process.

The couple showed him around the house and introduced him to two staff members and the four participants who would be with him during their “retreat”.   He was surprised that everyone appeared so conventional looking and was relieved that they were not anti-establishment hippie types who might judge him for fighting in the war.

One of the staff explained the schedule for his stay at the Red Rocks Renewal Center,  “This evening you will have dinner with the other participants to become comfortable with one another.  Tomorrow morning after breakfast the process will begin.  You will each be given a 100 microgram dose of pure LSD.  The effects will last from eight to ten hours and you will be watched over the whole time by caring and experienced staff.   We will all be in the main living area of the house with five comfortable sofas and several chairs, where you can sit or lie down as you wish.  When it is over, which will be late in the evening, you will have an opportunity to share what you’ve experienced.  On the last day after breakfast we will meet together again for another opportunity for you to integrate and share psychedelic experiences - then lunch before we say goodbyes.”

Ralph replied, “Thanks.  I wasn’t sure if I could go through with this and your explanation makes me feel more comfortable.”

During dinner that evening he was impressed with the staff running the center and enjoyed long talks afterwards with the four other adventurous souls, two guys and two women, who would be taking the “trip” with him.  He was glad he was the only vet in the group.

After dinner and conversation, Ralph went to his assigned bedroom, a room almost as small as his dorm during that fateful Freshman year in college, and smiled to himself.   Not only did he feel safe and comfortable with the people, but the food was delicious.  He had worried he might be eating variations of Tofu for each meal.

The next day, as he sat on a comfortable chair with a soft blanket, Ralph took a 100 microgram dose of LSD at the same time as the other participants.  He felt nothing for the first 50 minutes until he began to feel a distinct, positive mood change.  After about two hours his mood morphed into a sense of euphoria, the colors in the room incredibly vibrant and seemingly alive.  Suddenly, the colors, the furniture in the room, his own body seemed to melt together where he no longer felt himself distinct from everything else in his environment.  At first this was disconcerting, somewhat frightening, but it was mixed with feelings of joy and wonderment that there was no self and that he was connected with everything.  It engendered an uncanny sense of empathy.

After about ten hours when everyone seemed alert, a staff member asked the participants to share their experiences if they wished.  Ralph looked around the room and was amazed at the sense of peace and tranquility that seemingly oozed from the others.  While they shared, Ralph listened with effortless attention and felt connected to each of them and everyone in the room.

When it was his turn to share Ralph said, “It was an incredible experience for me also and it is hard to put words around it.  Now that I’m more alert I realize that it is my ordinary thinking that gives me a feeling of separation from all of you - and the sense that things are not enough.  I now see each moment is enough - we only think it’s not enough because of the ideas we attach to it.  How I use my mind is so incredibly impactful and I do have some ability to make changes.  I don’t know if this makes sense to you because I’m trying to make sense of it myself.”

When the sharing was finished, a staff member spoke to the group, “I am happy to see that you all had positive experiences.  Over the next few days and weeks you will hopefully integrate the insights you’ve spoken about into your daily lives.  It is very late yet I suspect you don’t feel tired, but you will soon.  I suggest you retire to your rooms; you’ll have more time to share your experiences tomorrow before you leave.  Sharing with other participants is an important part of the process.”

When Ralph went to his room he was tired yet he wanted to stay awake and make sense of his newfound realizations.  As he lay in bed, images of his wartime experiences began to emerge.  He felt compassion for the suffering of his fellow soldiers, including himself, the Vietnamese villagers and even the VietCong, who went through their own terrible ordeals.  He was amazed he could bring to mind these images without the fear they previously provoked.

He suddenly remembered his wife, Sarah.  He recalled how he had been focused on himself and his own annoyance - he had not been able to appreciate her efforts to help him.  At the same time he saw there was something missing in their relationship, something that Mark and Kristen had that they did not.  This was disturbing to him yet he felt a sense of equanimity about it.  He would figure out the right thing to do but right now he did not know what that might be.  One thing he knew was that he wanted to give Sarah a chance - to have a real conversation with her about their feelings and hopes for their relationship.   

Ralph slept soundly that night for the first time in quite a while.

The next morning at breakfast, Ralph found himself attracted to one of the other participants, a woman named Julia who was about his age.  They discovered they each were from New York and each had their different reasons for wanting to participate on this “trip”.

During the final sharing session after breakfast, Julia described her experience after taking LSD, the effect it had on her and the wisdom she took away from it.  Although Julia had a more intense emotional experience, her Aha moments, her breakthroughs, were virtually identical to Ralph’s.   

Ralph and Julia talked almost non-stop during the final lunch together.  They exchanged phone numbers and addresses before everyone hugged and said goodbye.

The two of them lingered together outside the “Red Rocks Renewal Center”.  They didn’t want it to end.

“I’m sorry we didn’t meet when you were single Ralph, I find myself very attracted to you.  Perhaps it is just the LSD talking, but it doesn’t feel that way.  I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.”

When Ralph heard her say, “I’m very attracted to you”, he felt an involuntary thrill.  “I’m attracted to you too, Julia, and yes, it might be our shared LSD experience.  One of my takeaways from this whole trip is that there is no magic potion that makes everything all right.  We have to make our decisions as life throws stuff at us, each moment, and try to do what we think is the best path.  Sometimes it is obvious and sometimes not.”

“I agree, Ralph.  I’m glad we live fairly close to one another in New York, perhaps we could keep in touch as just friends.”

“Perhaps, but I need to sort things out first.  Being ‘just friends’ may not be possible, I just don’t know at this point.”

Ralph and Julia gave one another a long, intimate hug goodbye and went their separate ways.

As Ralph drove North on Interstate 25 returning to Denver airport, he was amazed at the sight of magnificent mountains in the distance to his West, and the Great Plains to his East.  He experienced a pleasant focus that effortlessly changed from moment to moment.  He knew this was the aftereffects from LSD yet he also knew the wisdom he gained during the retreat would stay with him for the rest of his life.

He thought to himself he needed to treat Sarah with more attention and listen to her perspective about their marriage - and also to be clear about how he felt.  He wanted to have a heartfelt discussion about what they have been going through and the future they may or may not have together.

When Ralph entered the car rental return at the airport, the image of Julia kept popping into his thoughts.  He found this unsettling because he wanted to focus on his marriage and on Sarah when he returned home.  He did his best to forget about Julia.  What he could not forget was that involuntary thrill when Julia said, “I find myself very attracted to you”.