Post No. 50: THE ATHEIST, A Short Story

Wednesday was Sarah’s long day. She normally worked from home but every Wednesday she took the train into the city for in-person meetings when most employees also traveled to the office.  On her train ride home she felt a pervasive sense of loneliness.  A slightly older gray-haired woman sat just inches from her, but it might as well have been miles.  Like an addict, her silent neighbor sat passively peering at her phone. Sarah perceived a mindless boredom behind her seat-mate’s mascara-caked eyes.  She glanced at other passengers crammed around her.  They all had that same vacant stare.  Sarah began to feel as if she were in a dystopian novel.  Shifting uncomfortably in her seat, she realized her old zest for life was a dim memory.  What remained was a foreboding feeling of emptiness.

None of these feelings seemed logical to her.  She thought to herself that many people might envy her life.  Both she and her husband had good jobs, and they had two wonderful sons.  Her oldest son was doing well in his freshman year in college studying chemistry, and her youngest boy was a top athlete in high school.  Sarah prided herself on her appearance and her sense of style.  She was fifty-eight, fit and in good health.  She was tall, attractive, with silvery blond hair flowing gently to her shoulders.   She worried about menopausal weight gain around her abdomen that remained despite her best efforts, yet she was aware of her striking appearance remarked upon by both women and men.  She had a good circle of girlfriends with whom she shared common interests and felt grateful for them.  She appreciated her husband, Robert, but felt disconnected from him lately.  They both were very involved with their jobs and did not take the time to have meaningful discussions with one another.  All of these thoughts were bouncing around in her head, but they offered no solace to her current sense of weariness and dissatisfaction.

That evening Sarah did not arrive home until about eight P.M.   Robert had left work early to make dinner for their son, and had a dinner plate waiting for her when she arrived.  Robert was a capable cook and even enjoyed cooking at times, but it was Sarah who made virtually all the meals.  Sarah valued Robert’s sense of steadiness and balance.  She rarely witnessed him feeling the angst she was now experiencing, and envied his ability to remain unruffled.  But she felt he could not empathize with her current state of mind and her unexplainable feelings of emptiness and disconnection.  When Robert asked her how her day went, she just answered, “long and tiring, I think I’ll eat my dinner upstairs, check a few things from work, and go to bed early”.  By the time Robert came to the bedroom, Sarah was already asleep.

Sarah was scheduled to attend a fortieth high school reunion on Saturday.  She was in no mood to put on a happy face for her old schoolmates and decided not to go.  When Robert returned from work on Thursday, Sarah announced, “I’ve decided to skip my fortieth high school reunion on Saturday. I think I need the day to recharge.  It’s been a tough week at work.”   Robert was a little surprised at this and suspected something was amiss.  Robert said, “I know you’ve been feeling a little down lately, but maybe meeting some of your old classmates after forty years will be stimulating.   You might find it will  take your mind off the grind, at least for a little while.”  His response irritated Sarah.  She thought he was clueless and had no empathy for what she was going through.  Later that evening, however, Sarah began to reconsider her decision.  Her curiosity was aroused when she brought to mind some of her old classmates and how they might be faring.  Besides, she had already told the organizers of the event she was coming.  Then she recalled that a special friend, whom she hadn’t seen for over thirty years, would also be there.  “Maybe”, she thought, “I can go with no expectations and see what happens.  It might give me the boost I need.”

The reunion met her worst fears.  Everyone was putting on a happy face and exaggerating how well they were doing.  From Sarah’s perspective it was all fake.  One of the women at the reunion bore a striking likeness to one of the train passengers the prior Wednesday.  Sarah mused to herself that this person might be an escapee from her dreamt up, dystopian train ride.  She was ready to leave early when she encountered her special friend while she was almost out the door.  Her friend, Gregory, apologized for arriving late and seemed genuinely happy to see her.  When they had the chance, Gregory and Sarah found a quiet spot in the hall to have a private conversation.  Sarah noticed that Gregory seemed to have an easy self-assurance about him that she had never noticed before.  She had always liked him in school despite his nerdy lack of confidence.  He told her how he was having a difficult time about ten years ago.  He had lost his job, had some financial difficulty, and his marriage was shaky.  He had frequent fights with his wife. Then he told her what turned things around in his life both for him and his wife.  Although he was raised Catholic he had lost all interest and gave his early religious upbringing little thought.  He held the opinion that religion is a major cause of conflict in the world.  Then a good friend of his suggested that finding purpose and values from his upbringing was what might be missing.  Gregory’s face lit up when he said “For both my wife and me, rediscovering our faith made all the difference.”  Sarah listened intently and was affected by Gregory’s genuine sense of enthusiasm.  She especially appreciated the lightness and assuredness she saw in Gregory’s demeanor.  Sarah left the reunion feeling rejuvenated with a feeling of hope and interest in the future she had not had for some time.  She and Gregory agreed to keep in touch.

Shortly after the reunion, Sarah, who was also raised Catholic, began to attend Mass, the first time in over twenty-five years.  Her husband was amused by her sudden turn but happy she found something that excited her.  Robert was raised in the Presbyterian tradition and had long since left it.  He did not have faith in any religious doctrine.  He appreciated how religious faith has been a beacon throughout the ages for many to live a more ordered and moral life. It just wasn’t for him.   

Sarah began to feel more energized.  She became active in her Catholic community.  It seemed to her that she could feel the sun finally shining through the fog of detachment and malaise she had been experiencing.   But one thing bothered her.  Her husband, although supportive, did not want to become involved with her newfound purpose.  She recalled how Gregory told her that both he and his wife embarked on their religious journey together, and that they both benefitted greatly.  She began to compare Robert and Gregory, and Robert definitely came out on the short end.  Gregory was slim and fit and still had the same thick bushy brown hair as in high school.  Robert’s once thick black hair was receding and thinning.  The dome of his head was bare and it was clear he would likely be bald in a decade or so.  Sarah thought to herself that, yes she still had some weight around her middle, but Robert’s belly made hers look tiny.  She briefly fantasized about Gregory, but knew this was wrong and not what she really wanted.  She wanted Robert, but he was not cooperating.

Sarah finally came to the decision that her husband’s recalcitrance had to end.  On a Saturday morning while their son was away at a friend’s house, Sarah reluctantly confronted Robert, “This is not working for me, Robert.  I need you to go on this religious journey with me.  It might be the most important part of my life right now.”  Robert responded, “I can see that it is and I’m happy for you, but I can’t pretend that it is real for me.”  Sarah’s face visibly sank.  She said, “I was afraid you might say that.  But for me it is a non-starter.  I don’t think we can make this work.  I’ve thought it through.  If you are not willing to do this for me, I would like you to leave, at least temporarily.”  Robert could not believe what his wife was telling him.  He tried to convince her that she may be overreacting, but that made the situation much worse.  At the end of their conversation, Sarah said, “You need to pack your things tonight and leave before our son returns.  I will explain things to him.”  After all his explanations and pleadings, Robert resigned himself to the inevitable and began to pack his things for a separation that he surely hoped would be temporary.

That evening Robert booked a room in a nearby hotel.  He wanted to keep his marital predicament private for the time being.  The next day he went to work as usual.  When he returned to his hotel after work, the reality of his separation felt like a heavy ache invading every part of his body.  For the next two weeks he went about his life like a person in a fog.  He focused on work as much as he could but it all felt out of kilter.  One evening at his hotel as he sat at the bar eating dinner, an attractive woman near him started a conversation.  She was slightly younger and seemed interested in him.  After about twenty minutes of conversation, it occurred to him it might be fun to take advantage of his temporary freedom and have a one-night stand.  Then he thought to himself, “If I want Sarah back, this is not the way.  It could be an incredibly stupid thing to do”.

Life droned on for yet another week.  He didn’t want to put pressure on Sarah about reuniting, and she obviously was still willing to keep the separation going since he had not heard from her.  His son had called and Robert tried to explain to him the best he could why he was living apart for a while.  A few days later he received an invitation to a party at a friend’s house.  Robert knew this friend was close to Sarah and he suspected that Sarah had confided in her.  Perhaps this was a setup to get them together.  He sincerely hoped so.  When Robert knocked at the door he was welcomed warmly by Sarah’s friend.  There were about twenty people in the living area conversing animatedly, but Sarah was not in sight.  Robert’s disappointment vanished when he saw Sarah walk into the room from elsewhere in the house.  It hit him instantly how much he missed her and how lucky he was to have a woman like Sarah as his wife.  When Sarah saw Robert, she felt an involuntary lightness seep into her.  She remembered how the two of them have an  unexplainable attraction to one another, of how they met and were drawn to one another.  It wasn’t long after their initial awkward greeting that they decided they would get together to discuss the issue of their separation.  They agreed to call it a “date”.

They met several days later at the restaurant in Robert’s hotel.  He took a quick glance at the bar and felt relieved that sanity prevailed a couple weeks earlier when he had met the woman there.  After asking about one another’s experiences being apart, Sarah began the conversation, “I don’t know a way out of this.  I just can’t live with someone who believes so differently from my deeply held faith.”  Robert was disappointed at how this was starting.  He responded, “Perhaps it is not as different as you might presume.  Let me explain.”  Sarah’s skepticism was evident, “I’m willing to listen but I cannot see how anything you say can solve this.”  Robert asked plaintively, “Can you give me a better insight into how your newfound faith has affected you?”  Sarah responded, “It means the world to me now.  What comes to mind is Jesus’ words that he brings ‘a peace beyond understanding’ to those who believe.  This is the peace I have felt and I don’t want to lose it.  It also infuses me with the sense that all of life as we experience it has a purpose that God ordains.”  Robert considered what Sarah had said, “Thanks for taking the time to give me a deeper feel for where you are. I can understand your perspective better now.  Perhaps we are not as far off as you imagine.  I also see that there is a peace in giving oneself over, of having faith if you will, in the mystery of life.  A life that is always presented to us in each moment.  I can imagine it as being ordained by God but I personally don’t see it this way.  I am content to rest in the mystery of it.”  Sarah was surprised at Robert’s understanding of faith, something they had never fully spoken about before.  She said, “That is very surprising.  I never knew you saw things this way.” “I’m being totally genuine with you, Sarah.  I’ve seen life this way for a couple decades now.  I just don’t talk about it much.”  Robert continued, “I’m also impressed by how religious ritual has the effect of quieting the mind, of dampening the constant stream of thinking we all often experience.”  Sarah became more hopeful at this.  She confided, “I often experience this quiet mind when I attend Mass.  It’s not any particular words that are said, rather it is the whole feel of being there together, responding in unison, with all the other  believers.”   Robert retorted, “Yes.  I have experienced this when I was a young boy when I attended Mass with my mother.  I have also witnessed it in many other religious traditions.  I’ve seen it in the Jewish tradition when the Rabbi walks around the congregation holding the Torah, in the Muslim call to prayer in Morocco and Indonesia, in the strong devotion to one’s special deity in a Hindu temple, and in intensive meditation periods in the Zen Buddhist tradition.”  Robert thought he was on a roll, “I’ve found that this quiet mind can also be discovered in nature, and paradoxically one can sometimes find it at work or in sport.  For example, I see this in the way Scottie Scheffler, number one golfer in the world, walks on the fairway on his way to the green, and then waits patiently if his partner takes extra time for his next shot.”  Sarah was somewhat taken aback by Robert’s remarks, “That may all be true but you really have strayed from the main point here.  It’s about my faith in a specific tradition, Christianity, and you are not with me in it.”  Robert knew he hit a dead end with Sarah, “I hope we made a little progress here.  Perhaps we should give one another some time to think things over more and continue our discussion later.”  Sarah was reluctant but also relieved in a way, “OK. Perhaps we should meet again. Another date?  Same time next week?”  Robert felt grateful that Sarah was still willing to engage despite his wordy sidetrack. “Yes.  That would be great.”

When they met the next week, Robert watched Sarah walk into the restaurant and was relieved at her smile as she sat down and warmly greeted him.  She started with a topic Robert thought he could work with. Sarah began, “One thing we have not talked about is values.  I don’t think my values have changed but rather they have been reinforced and perhaps reprioritized.  I know we have similar values yet it’s important for me to explore this with you.  I am more than ever convinced that being kind to one another and seeking peace and understanding is what God wants from us, to follow Jesus’ example.”  Robert was enthused by this line of discussion, away from a black or white mindset, “I agree.  For me, the values you just mentioned became more vivid when I realized for the first time that, not intellectually but viscerally, in every pore, that we are not separate from the world we each create in our own minds.  We are deluded to feel we are separate, but it is a necessary delusion in a functioning society, where there are rules concerning behavior toward others. Do you see that infant playing with her food in her high chair at the table over there by the entrance?  No such thoughts are possible for her. She just responds in the moment, which right now appears to be playing with her food and smearing it all over herself and the table.”  Sarah laughed at this.  She said, “I can’t argue with that.  That baby is so cute.”  Robert continued, “When one realizes we are not separate, it inevitably leads to a sense of empathy and compassion.  I think that Jesus lived this realization and his life reflected these values.  In that way I am definitely a Christian.”  Sarah laughed, “Perhaps I will be Monica to your Augustine.  Just don’t think of me as your mother.”  Robert smiled.  He knew the story of how St. Monica, the mother of Augustine, prayed for him for years until he finally converted. After his conversion, St. Augustine became a towering figure in the early Christian church.

Robert reached across the table to hold Sarah’s hand.  Before his hand met hers, she reached toward him receptively.  They sat there silently, feeling the exhilaration of flesh touching flesh, thrilled that their connection was still alive.  Robert said, “I’ve given it some thought and I’d like to go with you to Mass, perhaps once a month. Would that be OK?”  Sarah’s face brightened, “Absolutely, that would be OK.  And what would also be OK is if you went to your room, retrieved your things, and came home.”  Robert was absolutely overjoyed.  He lost no time following his wife’s directions.

That evening when they came home, their son was surprised and delighted.  Father and son ran to one another and hugged.  They sat down and explained the best they could the whole sequence of events to their son.  He looked at them as if they were aliens from another planet, but the smile on his face betrayed his real feelings.  When they were ready to call it a night, the two of them walked upstairs together to their bedroom.  They were both tired but elated.  As they were lying in bed about to go to sleep, Sarah pressed her body against Robert and kissed him invitingly on the mouth.  She thought to herself that this whole sequence of events is God’s will, a thought that gave her an incredible sense of peace and calm.  For Robert, the feel of Sarah beside him was like an electric current energizing every cell.  He luxuriated in the sensation of her body as he ran his hand from her hip to her midriff.  Thoughts eluded him.